Why people do what they do

Why People Do What They Do

Up until now most of what has been posted here has been an attempt to explain what behavior is 

clinically and what my reasons are for sharing some of these thoughts. Again these are my perceptions 

and you are free to disagree, but before you dismiss any of them, please give them some thought.

    

Relationships are a subject that is the most fascinating to me and people have written volumes about 

what they are and how they work. Some are good and some are bad.

I am going to keep it short and simple and not bore you with a lot of scientific data.

Let’s just call relationships “the way people think of and interact with other people in any given situation.” We have family, acquaintances, friends, and close friends.  For this I want to focus on friends and close friends.

Friendships are like live organisms.  They are born (some slowly, some quickly), they have a varying life span, and then in most cases at some point they die (some slowly, some quickly).  Sometimes the reason for it ending is known and sometime it isn’t.

   

I want start out briefly looking at two dysfunctional friendships where people become entangled.  This is going to continue for several weeks, these are the two I wanted to look at first.  We will look at healthy friendships too, but like I said, I don’t want to be too boring.

1.  This relationship is one I call “The New Best Ever”.  Person A is a close friend of Person B.    Person A meets a new friend, Person C, and proceeds to talk incessantly to Person B about what a great new friend he has made and all the ways Person C is the most fantastic person they have known and all the things they have planned. Usually Person C turns out to not be such a great person, and Person A moves on until they find “the new best ever”.   Most people (male and female), don’t want to hear over and over again how much better your other friends are than they are, but they are not going to say anything, because the defense mechanisms go up and it usually ends in an argument.  Remember all behavior is a choice and it takes two people to have any kind of relationship, so by not confronting Person A, Person B is actually enabling him to continue his inconsiderate and sometimes hurtful behaviors.   It’s not always done intentionally, but can be a problem.

2.  The second and much more hurtful friendship is the “If Nothing Better Comes Along” ploy.

In this situation Person A makes with plans with Person B for something. After doing this Person C becomes available and so Person A wants to dump Person B.  Usually they make up a story about having to do something else or having a family member die (I once knew someone who went through 6 grandmothers before the other person caught on to the ploy.)

   

I have to admit, I have fallen for this a few times over my life and it is hurtful because the person thinks I’m stupid enough to not know (which I almost always do, because most people are terrible at lying believably), and I was only in the picture “If Nothing Better Comes Along”.  Some people go to incredible links to construct these situations, but again all behavior serves a purpose and how it affects others is not always figured into the equation.

More next time

WHY PEOPLE DO WHAT THEY DO

WHY PEOPLE DO WHAT THEY DO…

There is one more area that I need to touch on before moving into more specific situation and that is the topic of behavior.

Behavior is one of the very few parts of our lives that is always a choice.  Good or bad, right or wrong what we do in any given situation is always a choice.

There may be outside factors or situations that affect our judgment, but in the final analysis what we choose to do and how we choose to treat people is a choice that we make.  No one and no situation makes us do anything, although people love to point to outside factors as a reason for making bad choices.   This is called  rationalization  and we will talk more about  that at a later time.

All behavior has consequences (good or bad) and we hate to take responsibility for bad choices that result in bad consequences.  It is the usual tactic of blaming what happened on someone else or something else that releases us from the feelings of guilt for what we did.   This is called remorse and it is an emotion that sociopaths and psychopaths don’t possess.

It is important to understand that all behavior meets a need or fills a desire the person has.  The need or desire may be completely dysfunctional, but to the person is something they consider important.  Whether its drugs, or money, or  even something like jealousy or wanting to be liked, to the individual acting on their behavior any negative outcome can always be rationalized away and its effect on others (even friends) is unimportant as long as the need is met.

My number one belief about counseling is that people will continue a behavior, no matter how bad or dysfunctional, as long as it gets them what they want.  If it stops being successful then, they are ready to look at alternative behaviors.

I realize this is a brief overview of a very complex concept, but for now it should serve the purpose and we can expand as we go along.  Now we can deal with specific incidences and why people chose certain behaviors………………….. let’s start with friendships.

Why people do what they do. An introduction by Cecil Barnes.

THE BIRTH OF A NOTION

When a friend of mine made the suggestion that I start a blog, I was kind of lukewarm to the idea.  I wasn’t sure what to write about, but when I got the ok to write about anything (no limits), it became a lot more interesting.

I have been a counselor for 30 years and while most of that was spent in an educational setting, I have developed a pretty good skill of reading people and figuring out pretty quickly where they are coming from psychologically.

What is going to make this different is that it is not going to be some stuffy scientific assessment of what makes people tick, but it is going to be based on my experiences and observations of friends, relatives, and acquaintances, I have had over that time.  It is all based on real situations that I have experienced or watched someone else experience.

You will probably disagree with some of my ideas, and that’s ok.  You may get angry at some of my ideas and that’s ok too.  If some of the things I say cause you to pause and look at how you would or have addressed similar situations, and think maybe you should have done something different then that’s what I’m aiming for with this blog.

I am going to cover relationships of all kinds, hidden agendas, what people say and what they mean, obsessive-compulsive behavior and any other topic that comes along.  If you as the reader think of anything you would like to have me address, please let me know.

I’m not going to name names or specify locations.  Not everything I say applies to everyone, so if you think I’m talking about you, maybe I am and maybe …………………………….I’m not.   That is the beauty of introspection.  If you see yourself in what I say then it becomes more personal than if I make an accusation and all of our defense mechanisms go into effect.  Only you know the truth, and when you turn out the lights at night, only you really know what your agendas are.

 
While this is something I hope will be interesting, sometimes humorous, and give me a chance to say some things I have needed to say, it also forces me to relive some experiences that are very emotionally painful and take a second look at people and things that I might rather not revisit.  So, it’s a gamble on my part to at least put some of the situations behind me.

I do need to let you know that sometimes I use my own lingo to describe certain situations and again remember this is MY assessment of the experiences or behaviors I have been through and observed in my life.

So with that all being said, I can start the journey and remember throughout that with a huge majority of people what we see on the surface is never the total person and in the end we are all judged by our deeds, not our words or intentions.